4 things about dating girls on the internet

If you are looking at dating girls on the internet, there are things you should know before you get started.

That is why I’m sharing with you these 4 things about dating girls on the internet that you must know.

So if you are ready, sit tight and let me take you there.

Dating girls on the internet is like the Wild West; here’s our handy guide on how to not get shot or fall off your horse.

I’m not socially retarded, and I’m almost evangelical about internet dating.

Like all the best stuff (anal sex, body hair removal & fetishizing cheap sportswear), gay men have been doing this whole thing for years.

When I signed up to my dating site of choice (there are lots out there, I can’t comment on which is best), I’d split up with my girlfriend a few months before, and as a consequence was living the lifestyle of a spurned young straight male in London.

Which is more or less the same as that of a normal young gay male, according to the columnists in the newspaper my mum reads.

Which means cocaine on Wednesdays, doing all the fucking available, and being deeply unhappy inside.

I didn’t join the site ‘as an experiment’, as a dare, or as an elaborate prank, as many folks would claim, it was actually the exact opposite: I joined it because I was keen to continue filling an empty place in my heart with sex.

I was very, very profoundly lonely, and I’d exhausted all the available phone numbers in ‘my little black book’ of fuck-buddies and fuck-enemies.

I’m not super keen to share every detail about my online dating career – not because of anonymity issues, but because it’s really sunny out for the first time in ages and I’m in a hurry to get to the park.

I will, however, provide you with some things I’ve learned about ‘the game’

Hot Girls Are On Dating Sites Now

There are loads: real, legit models who post bikini shots and 21-year-old skinny bishes for whom Tumblr attention just isn’t enough.

The world has changed, and there are attractive people who see no problem with dating sites.

However, it’s not quite at the point where attractive, nice normal people have a dating profile.

Think about it: to be a hot girl and still unable to score IRL, you’ve got to be so awful personality-wise, or be such an enormous cokey bulimic mess, that even the most mercenary pick-up scumbags in your social circle give you a wide birth and even the ‘white knight’ drips have given up on telling you you’re special.

If you’re looking for the kind of self-esteem boost that slamming an 8 or above gives you, then by all means go ahead and approach total babes, but remember, if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

– EVERYONE LOVES COCAINE

Recognize this: I’m dead set against coercion, date rape, and drugging women, I promise.

That stuff is quite clearly not on – what I’m doing here is making an observation: after four drinks, absolutely every single internet date I’ve met up with has pretty much said (apropos of nothing) “I’m leveling with you here, have you got any coke?”, even the ones who’ve listed Emmy The Great as their favorite musician.

As an infallible statement of fact, this probably only applies to London/other major cities, and I’m not saying “if you go on an internet date, bring coke”, I’m just stating what I’ve learned about human females from the 10 or so internet hook-ups I’ve experienced.

But if you do bring coke, you’re a scumbag, you know that, right?

– “INITIATING THE CONVERSATION IS HALF THE BATTLE”

That’s a line from Big Daddy, Adam Sandler’s masterwork about being a directionless perma-adolescent in your late 20s (holler).

As much as I love that film, I’ve often doubted the validity of that as a piece of advice, but on the internet, it’s definitely the case.

If someone replies to your initial hit-up message, they’re tentatively into it, and all you have to do is maintain a decent human vibe of non-pathetic-phagness and non-sexual aggressiveness (there’s a fine line between the two), until you can move the conversation onto Facebook and see what they really look like.

Then, if you’re still down and they’re still down, it’s time to link IRL.

– MOST BOYS ARE HORNY, PATHETIC, SOCIALLY INEPT DUNCES

I’ve seen the kind of messages boys send girls; self-taken topless mirror shots and men with their cars as profile pictures aside, and as far as I can tell, I’m the only person doing it right.

Even the non-meathead-y, semi-together guys are confused trying to get a date with writing a cover letter for a job application.

They come at girls cap in hand, with three-paragraph messages explaining their financial situation, a strong level of motivation, and ability to provide – it’s adorably pathetic.

It’s either that or they immediately gun the girl for something on their profile (“you like Mogwai? They’re such hacks!”), because girls love the heated debates about music, right?

Put simply, boys are morons and it’s a wonder anyone’s procreated at all.

If you’ve got any semblance of a real-life game, you’ll be able to think of an opener that trumps everyone else.

– DATES ARE EASY

I’m English, and chances are so are you, so dates aren’t really a thing for us.

We just hook up at parties and maybe they hang around the next day, maybe they don’t, we’re weird like that.

Online dating necessitates one on one meet-ups, and as a nation, we’re slowly learning how to act like people in US sitcoms.

The key is to not overthink it: no one wants to go to a museum straight off the bat.

If you’re keen to impress upon them how well-versed in a culture you are, don’t.

Try impressing upon them that you’re fun and interesting, and that will always be enough.

Just go to the pub, drink six drinks together, and if you’re still laughing and chatting by the end of that, then cool.

It really is that simple.